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Top Ten Ways to Protect Your Kids from the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-up

Top Ten Ways to Protect Your Kids from the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-up

(By Joan B. Kelly, Ph.D.)

1. Talk to your children about your separation

Studies show that only 5 percent of parents actually sit down, explain to their children when a marriage is breaking up, and encourage the kids to ask questions. Nearly one quarter of parents say nothing, leaving their children in total confusion. Talk to your kids. Tell them, in very simple terms, what it all means to them and their lives. When parents do not explain what’s happening to their children, the kids feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope with the separation.

2. Be discreet

Recognize that your children love you both, and think of how to reorganize things in a way that respects their relationship with both parents. Don’t leave adversarial papers, filings and affidavits out on your kitchen counter for children to read. Don’t talk to your best friend, your mother or your lawyer on the phone about legal matters or your ex when the kids are in the next room.

They may hear you. Sometimes kids creep up to the door to listen. Even though they’re disturbed by conflict and meanness between their parents, kids are inevitably curious – and illequipped to understand these adult matters.

3. Act like grown-ups: keep your conflict away from the kids

People with personality disorders have chronic internal distress and/or ongoing impairment of social functioning in many settings. They are characterized by an inability to reflect on their own behavior and an inability to adapt their behavior to changing circumstances. This is part of who they are. There are at least ten different types of personality disorders.

4. Dad, stay in the picture

Long-term studies show that the more involved fathers are after separation and divorce, the better. Develop a child-centered parenting plan that allows a continuing and meaningful relationship with both parents. Where a good father-child relationship exists, kids grow into adolescence and young adulthood as well-adjusted as married-family children. High levels of appropriate father involvement are linked to better academic functioning in kids as well as better adjustment overall. That’s true at every age level and particularly in adolescents. Fathers, be more than a “fun” dad. Help with homework and projects, use appropriate discipline, and be emotionally available to talk about problems.

5. Mom, deal with anger appropriately

In their anger and pain, mothers may actively try to keep Dad out of the children’s lives – even when they are good fathers whom the children love. When you’re hurting, it’s easy to think you never want to see the ex again, and to convince yourself that’s also best for the kids. But children’s needs during separation are very different from their parents. Research reports children consistently saying, “Tell my dad I want to see him more. I want to see him for longer periods of time. Tell my mom to let me see my dad.”

6. Be a good parent

You can be forgiven for momentarily “losing it” in anger or grief, but not for long. Going through a separation is not a vacation from parenting -providing appropriate discipline, monitoring your children, maintaining your expectations about school, being emotionally available. Competent parenting has emerged as one of the most important protective factors in terms of children’s positive adjustment to separation.

7. Manage your own mental health

If feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger continue to overwhelm you, seek help. Even a few sessions of therapy can be enormously useful. Remember, your own mental health has an impact on your children.

8. Keep the people your children care about in their lives

Keep the people your children care about in their lives. Encourage your children to stay connected to your ex’s family and important friends. If possible, use the same babysitters or child-care. This stable network strengthens a child’s feeling that they are not alone in this world, but have a deep and powerful support system – an important factor in becoming a psychologically healthy adult.

9. Be thoughtful about your future love life

Ask yourself: must your children meet everyone you date? Take time, a lot of time, before you remarry or cohabit again. Young children in particular form attachments to your potential life partners and, if new relationships break up, loss after loss may lead to depression and lack of trust in children. And don’t expect your older kids to instantly love someone you’ve chosen – this person will have to earn their respect and affection.

10. Pay your child support

Even if you’re angry or access to your children is withheld, pay child support regularly. Children whose parents separate or divorce face much more economic instability than their married counterparts, even when support is paid. Don’t make the situation worse. In this as in all things, let your message to the kids be that you care so much about them that you will keep them separate, and safe, from any conflict. They will appreciate it as they get older.

Family Law, Workshops

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW YOUR OPTIONS EARLY

The Impact of Family Mediation and Resource Centre’s (FMRC’s)
Family Law Information Sessions (“FLIS”)

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW YOUR OPTIONS EARLY

The Ministry of the Attorney General of Ontario has established Mandatory Information Programs (MIPs) throughout family court locations across Ontario, providing attendees with general information about separation/divorce and the legal process. These sessions must be attended within 45 days from the start of a case.

What makes FMRC’S FLIS so different? The MIP sessions are instituted after a court application is instituted. FLIS recognises that court may not be the only route to follow. We recognize that without knowledge – without first having legal information, on the effects of separation and divorce on adults and children; alternatives to litigation; family law issues; the Family Court system and local resources and programs, people are committed to a system that they never have wanted in the first place. We believe it is important that families be provided information beforehand, at an early, neutral stage of the separation process and before families launch out in a very unfriendly and most often destructive court case.

Information is crucial for community members to become empowered, in order to move forward in separation. Divorce/separation does not only affect the parties directly involved, but their child(ren) and extended family members. Being aware of information about separation/divorce and the legal family process is necessary and relevant public education which should be easily accessible to all members of a community, including those who are not going through divorce.

FLIS sessions aim at enhancing knowledge, decreasing conflict and instilling respect by allowing people a right of choice:

a. They are offered right within the community

FLIS sessions take place in familiar settings, such as libraries and community centres, as opposed to the informality of a courthouse. This affords an opportunity for community members to learn about alternate ways of proceeding, such as by family dispute resolution processes. Court may not be the only solution! There is a new wave of people settling family law matters through negotiation, Mediation, Mediation-Arbitration and the Collaborative Process. Sadly, once in the court system, options become very limited.

b. It is offered prior to starting a court case.

Going to court is no panacea! It can only increase conflict. The adversarial system drives a sharper wedge between people; those who are already somewhat traumatized by a breakdown in an intimate relation.

Access to knowledge prior to entering the court system will enhance parties’ ability to link with and effectively use appropriate public resources while preventing “revolving door” effect.

c. It’s voluntary versus mandatory.

Whereas mandatory format focuses on attendance, voluntariness allows parties to focus on the information at hand. As result, parties may be less tense, less stressed and less resistant.

Having the choice of researching suitable options versus being ordered into attendance, may be empowering and help in preserving a person’s sense of dignity. It may play a crucial role in increasing a person’s sense of self-direction and responsibility for the situation. As well, it will save time and money for everyone involved while establishing trust and respect for the judicial system. Finally, parties may be more likely to reach a child-focused and long-lasting agreement, which can only prevent long-term damage.

Laura Catone

“Participation in collaborative proceedings such as mediation tends to not only decrease the intensity of conflict below the level brought to them by separating parties but also to improve the quality of post-separation relationships between them…”(Ellis, 2014)

“…(“going to court”) increases the intensity of conflict beyond the baseline level of intensity that separating/divorcing parties bring with them to family court.” (Ellis, 2014)

“…adversarial family law system “appeared to encourage couples to become adversaries to a greater degree than they already are….to aggravate relations with the spouse…and to upset and humiliate people” (pp.214-215).” (Ellis, 2014)

 “…most couples who bring their disputes to family court do not need to and do not enjoy, or ultimately benefit from, the experience. I would go further and suggest that in many cases, the parties’ ability to communicate and co-operate with each other as co-parents became worse, not better, as a result of family court litigation.” (Brownstone, 2009)